Harry Potter's Autobiography
by kialasphynxea
Summary: We aren’t one of those up tight pureblood families sweetie, so marrying your cousin is frowned upon.'DISCONTINUED
1. Harry's Author Note

_**AN- Hello, dear humans, aliens and other species of creatures. Jess is writing the next chapter of 'Hogwarts Sucks' and so, because I'm bored, I decided to drag this out of the small hole that it's been living in and tweak it a bit, until I decided that it was good enough to share. It's still not perfect (None of out fics are, really…), but it's good enough for now.**_

_**Harry and his autobiography… **_

I'm Harry Potter, yes, _that _Harry Potter. I, according to my wife, I just _have _to write my life story, because everybody else is getting it wrong. Here I must agree, because, I'm sorry, I did not appear at Hogwarts for the final battle with fire in my eyes, and a thirst for revenge. To be honest I was a bit preoccupied with killing Voldemort so that everybody else could live peacefully, to remember to set fire to my eyes and go looking for revenge to drink, sorry, I know, such a bitter disappointment.

I'm only going to start my life story from my 1st year at Hogwarts, because surprisingly people have actually got the events of Halloween right, and the other 10 years were spent either getting beat up or doing chores, so, yeah, you don't need to know about it, though you probably will want to, considering I got 10 letters asking why I got a different brand of milk last night, and people, they had run out of the other brand, and to be honest, _why the hell do you care about what brand of milk I buy? _It is just getting sad now guys. Really, please, stop, before I get a restraining order on everybody, and believe me, it's heading that way, fast.

Ginny's having a go at me, because this book, that I'm going to publish, has got me complaining about how people won't let me buy a pint of milk. Well, excuse me ms. They-keep-asking-if-we're-getting-divorced. We got sued because she hexed someone, not that you won't know about that, I mean, it was all over the news… so we sued all the newspapers. Only we could get away with that, it was a joke, okay, I swear it was a joke that my lawyer took seriously, so Daily Prophet, you can stop smearing me again, please, I mean, are you so desperate that you have to try and smear my name? It worked before, but for some reason, I don't believe it's going to this time.

For some strange reason I think it's something to do with the whole "no longer a 15 year old that takes that stuff lying down" thing that I reminded you about last year… when I kicked your butts in court. Remember that? Good, thought so. Anyway, Ginny's glaring at me again, because apparently "I may not look 15, but at the moment I'm acting like one". Well, _sorry, _I'm just speaking my mind, and my mind at the moment seems to be on the Daily Prophet, for _some _reason, the thoughts aren't pleasant, can't think why.

As you may have guessed from this little… "authors note", this is going to be a completely informal book that by no means is going to be edited by Percy Weasley, who will probably try to weasel, no pun intended (I swear to the god that I now believe doesn't exist, you can thank my wife for this, she found out that Ron and I lost that bet on who was going to win this years quidditch season at Hogwarts, well excuse me, how were _we _supposed to know that Hufflepuff wasn't playing this year? Hufflepuff, let me get this straight, if I see anyone of you sometime soon, I'm going to be letting your parents know about that prank, and by gods will you be sleeping on the sofa for the next 2 weeks), in something about cauldron bottom reports, which are so boring it could put Binns to sleep. Listen Perce, it wasn't me who decided I should write this part, it was Ginny. Okay? So don't do anything unpleasant to me next time you see me, because really, it was _all _Ginny's idea, and I sat there for and hour pleading for her not to make me put it in here.

I've just got another week on the sofa for lying. Okay, it was really my idea, but someone had to tell you sometime, and I guess no-one else wanted to in case you decided that Lucy and Molly wanted to come visit. Really, you can't though, Molly has a cat allergy, and Lucy likes James… actually about that, can you _please _explain to her, that no matter how much she is "in love with him" it really would be gross, we aren't one of those up tight pureblood families sweetie, so marrying your cousin is frowned upon.

Bill, if you even think about sending Dominique round, I swear I will strangle you with my bare hands, we really do like the house standing, and not being told that our meat is over-cooked. Okay, I like watching him try to tell Ginny that it's over cooked, but I don't like the after math, where I have Ginny storming around muttering things about, and I quote, "bloody French ponces" or "go get eaten by a bush". Really, it's hysterical, until you get told to sleep on the sofa again. I think I should just make that my permanent residence sometimes.

But I guess I better get on with my "life story" this is going to be a fun ride.

_**AN- So, yeah. This is it! From my more primitive, slightly less random days of fan fiction writing… Wow… This was written a while ago… I feel old! :'(**_


	2. The first year

_**AN- The second chapter… In other words, where I got up to last time before I got bored… I really didn't last very long… =)**_

Well, okay, 1st year… hmm. Almost got killed by a troll, a dog and Voldemort/ Quirrel and saved the sorcerous stone. There done. Tada!

…Okay, okay, bloody hell woman! Okay.

Well, My aunt and uncle didn't particularly like magic or anything to do with it (Which was their excuse for beating me up, oh yes, we all believed that they were trying to squash the magic out of me didn't we!?), so when my Hogwarts letter/s turned up, you could say I couldn't get them and they died a horrible fiery death. Uhuh, death by fire. That was the punishment to my Hogwarts letters for being delivered. Don't feel to sorry for them though, the door also got punished, millions upon millions of nails and planks of wood were piled up onto the letter box as to stop the letters from coming through.

Anyway, eventually the owls got pretty fed up (or was it Dumbledore… Hang on, no, it would have been McGonnagle… she was the one that had to write hundreds of them…) and shoved them all down the chimney, which was an impressive display, I can tell you.

So, dear old "Uncle" Vernon got us into the car and tried to, ahem, "shake 'em off". Which didn't work, when we got to the hotel, behold, there were letters there for us.

So then guess what?? He took us to shack. No, I am not exaggerating, he took us, in a rickety old boat, into the middle of the bloody ocean to get to a shack, in which Hagrid found us and finally gave me my Hogwarts letter.

So we went and I got sorted made friends with Ronald Weasley, blahdey blahdey blah.

Then Halloween. Joy of joys, a freaking Troll got into the school. Guess who was currently crying in the girls toilets? Hermione! So we went and saved her, getting only 5 flipping house points for all our troubles, got out and all that lot.

I'm in trouble again. I failed to mention that we had already found "Fluffy" the three headed dog, and almost got eaten. Sorry, yeah, there, now you know. We had nearly already been eaten.

Okay, so Hagrid gave some stuff away, to do with the (now) late Nicholas Flamel. We searched and finally we found it all out.

So we went down the trap door (did I fail to mention the trap door?), and fell in to that slimy wiggly plant stuff…

Okay, okay! No, you don't need to call Neville, I know what Devils Snare is!

Anyway, yeah so we fell in to this… _floor _type thing of Devils' Snare, almost got strangled and then Hermione (In all her infinite wisdom) remembered how to get rid of it (Though this was _after _a brief period of forgetting the fact that she was a witch…).

So, we get through the floor thingy of Devils' Snare…

Yes, I know honey. No, it probably _won't _get published because I am being positively juvenile, yes, sweetheart, my vocabulary needs updating… No, Gin, 'thingy' is not a word… No darling, I don't need a new dictionary…

So, yeah, we get through the Devils Snare and come in to a room full of these _delightful _flying keys, that just so happen to attack you when you get on the supplied broomstick to catch the needed key for the door.

So, a few bruises later we got through the door, and thanking our lucky stars, we realised that we had the _perfect _person for the next task… Yes… We had Ron chess genius! (He had to be good at something… Ouch! Thank you, dear. Yes, I deserved that, no, I'm not being co-operative like this so that you will stop harping on… Wait! They were _your _words, not mine!)

So yeah, we got past this giant chess set (Didn't I mention that the task was a giant chess set?), with Ron passed out on the floor and Hermione realising that she was 'in love' with him, only to forget it until 5 years later (The sexual tension between the two of them was unbelievable… Sorry dear.). We continued on to the next room, where a Troll was lying dead, so we kind of just ignored it and carried on to the next door.

Found a load of weirdo potions that made me feel freezing cold, and I went on through this big fire door.

Fought Voldie/Quirrel got knocked out by Voldie who was, like, not in a… body.

So, the moral of that year? Well, no matter what, Dumbledore will always make sure Gryffindor wind the house cup.

_**AN- Actually, I just re-wrote nearly all of that… That's bad, that's real bad…=).**_

_**Til next time, Noodle head =D**_


	3. The Second Year

**AN- I have been neglecting! Neglecting all of my fics! And I am sorry! I have excuses though! Right okay, I had this cold which was terrible, it hurt to bend, then I got this sun burn which caused me to be like some sort of personal space heater, Yes I am the female version of Jacob (Not). So yeah, the sun burn is still there, but now I can lift my arms above my chest, so not all bad news I suppose =)**

2nd year was terrible.

As in, I wish Lockhart had actually managed to wipe my memory, horrible.

Wait, no. If he had done that then my lovely wife would be dead, and that… that would be bad.

Anyway, really all that happened before I got to Kings Cross was that a psychotic house-elf came and told me that I was not to go to Hogwarts… Nothing unusual _there_.

Yes, I know, Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. I know, this may because I have no wit. Gin? Could you possibly let me carry on now? Thanks, honey.

So we get to Kings Cross and the barrier is solid, which wouldn't be too strange to muggles, I mean brick walls are normally solid anyway. So we hop in to Mr. Weasleys magical flying car (Of which was, in fact, legal. He wrote the laws with loopholes, the car was legal. Us driving it in plain site over the heads of hundreds of muggles? Not so legal.) and drive to Hogwarts (The only mishap that happened on the way was me nearly falling out. Lesson 1. Always wear your seatbelt kids.).

Spatula's hurt when they are being whacked across your head, just so you know.

Anyway, so we get to Hogwarts and _somehow _the newspaper of which I am not going to name, got hold of some pictures of the car flying over the muggles and decided that Mr. Weasley was due for paying some sort of fine… Which, if I was not a minor, should have gone to Ron and I.

So we almost get expelled, go to the feast and eat.

The next few months nothing interesting happened, we met Lockhart the Idiot (Hey, there should be a history lesson on him…) and I learn that Lockhart is jealous of my non-wanted fame. Then we have a quidditch match.

The bludger tries to kill me.

No, seriously, it attempts to kill me.

It's okay though, I'm fine and the day is alright. The only injury I sustained was a broken arm, which would have been alright, yeah? Hop on a stretcher and go to Madam Pomphrey?

Nope. Lockhart decides to do something about it and liquefies the bones in my arms, neat huh?

So instead of the one or two hours in the hospital wing, I get a night, with hot needles being poked in to my arms (Ah! Okay, not literally. It _felt _like it though.)

The mad house-elf comes and explains that the bludger wasn't trying to kill me, but in fact get me hurt seriously enough that I get sent home… Uhuh, sure.

So, weird hissy noises and me being a parcel mouth, I figure out that there's something trying to kill everybody… With a little help from the writing on the wall saying 'The Chamber of Secrets has opened, enemies of the heir beware'.

Nothing really happens apart from people getting petrified left, right and centre.

Then, my wonderful and kind wife, gets taken.

So, I go and save her, only proper right?

Lockhart erases his own memory, I defeat a basilisk and Tommy (Voldemort), save the dear maiden and leg it out of there.

What an eventful year…

**AN- Harry's trying to make light of that year, he honestly didn't enjoy it or anything (As we all know), but he decided that since he could go all dark and gloomy, or light and funny, he would go for the one that, you know, wouldn't bring up too many bad memories. **

**I could have gone all dark and gloomy on you, but it would have been a little weird, the last one (I mean two) not being all doom and gloom and then this one coming with 'Free Star Wars Theme Tune! Buy now!'. **

**=)**

**Thanks to Lexikins and Leyahh for their reviews =)**


	4. The Third Year

**AN- Hi! Okay I feel guilty, I've been so caught up in my **_**Merlin **_**muse (Colin Morgan's ears are just so… Ahem) that I completely forgot about this story for a week or two. Of course it hasn't been helped by essay after essay that keeps being piled upon me when I really would prefer just to go home and write another chapter of 'Harry Potter's Autobiography'.**

**I have, also, been contemplating wether to just put one of my other fics 'Harry's Tree' on hold temporarily (It would probably be a very long temporarily), or to completely take it off of here. At the moment I'm leaning towards the latter, due to a poorly thought out plot, and lack of enthusiasm for the project.**

**But! I am here now! With another, as HarryismyHeriocsavior put it, 'Personal letter to all the annoyances in his life'. I admit I must agree with that sentiment, as that is how it was intended to be written (:. Thank you, peoples, for your reviews, they really **_**do **_**make my day and cause me to jump on my bed to old eighties music. (:**

The first half of my summer was as uneventful as Binns history class, as in I was forced to be a prisoner of my aunts 'love'.

That couldn't last though, could it? No. Something just _had _to go wrong.

Namely my 'aunt' Marge. (Big fat whale of a woman who tortures dogs and uses them to abuse small boys with messy black hair, broken glasses and a lightning bolt scar.)

She went and turned in to a hot air balloon. I kid you not. Using the gas that was so obviously at her disposal she went up, up and _away!_

Ouch! Holy mother of Batman, woman! Do you _want _me to file for domestic abuse? Do you?

Okay, okay. _I _turned her in to a hot air balloon… She may, or may not have said something derogatory about my parents… Thinking about it, how the hell did Draco Malfoy last this long?

So, I run away, avoiding certain death at the hands of my guardians (No matter what others may have told you, I do actually _like _being alive… I mean, death wasn't all it's cracked up to be, and eternity with Dumbledore? What did _I _do wrong? …Shutting up.), I get away on the Knight Bus, which is, for those of you that don't know, a lovely form of transportation used primarily as a type of 'Shock Therapy' for those of the less sane of mind.

Oh, for the love of-

Fine. It is in fact a bus which somehow serves as emergency transport for the stranded witch or wizard (When it's choc-a-block of death eaters, I would recommend you find something else to use as emergency transport though.).

So, when I get to The Leaky Cauldron (No offence, but was that the best name you could come up with?), I find Fudge the Idiot (Hey, this could seriously be a series to break up Binns history classes! Lockhart the Idiot, Fudge the Idiot… Yes, honey. I know. The next in line would be Harry the Idiot…), paedophile extraordinaire is waiting for me to arrive.

The next couple of weeks are as boring as the others, minus the guardians from hell.

When, of course, the Weasleys decided to stay the night (For no particular reason, I might add. I'm going to die of high stress levels, you know. That and the fact that my wife keeps hitting me around the _head._).

We're all having a mighty good time of it, when Mr. Weasley goes all doom and gloom on me.

There's a mass murderer after you, Harry, but don't worry, and pretend you don't know a thing despite it being all over the papers!

This year when I say nothing really happened, I mean it. Hogwarts got broken in to, I got attacked by Dementors, got a mysterious broomstick from a mysterious non-existent person and I lost a quidditch match for the first and last time in my life.

At the end of the year, of course, I find out that Ron's rat is Peter Pettigrew (Disgusting, disgrace of a man.) who framed Sirius Black, Sirius Black is, in fact, my godfather, Remus Lupin (That years DADA teacher) is a werewolf (They're normal people!) and that I can form a fully corporal patronus.

Yep, that's it.

Nothing happened at all.

That spatula is going down, I tell you.

Down.

**Sorry it's short, but for the most past **_**nothing **_**really did happen in the third book, or movie. We spent most of it wondering when the hell J.K was going to reveal what we already knew (Well, I'd guessed by that point.) and say that Sirius Black was an alright chap who liked having roast rat for tea every Sunday.**

**Really, third book? For me? The worst of them. No offence, the others are great so it's easy to be worse than them.**

**As Jess says, thank god Merlin came along otherwise she would have been hopeless to save me from Harry Potter's clutches. Merlin, to the rescue! (It was a late night discussion involving a lot of sugar.)**


End file.
